In conjunction with today's @theCoffeeklatch about what to do when your SN child has typical issues, I am reposting some past blogs.
Today I thought of an interesting quandary. Do aspie's lie? Actually I remember when my oldest was first diagnosed the doctors all told us that they do not lie, because it takes a sophisticated understanding of social relationships to want to or need for what ever reason to lie.
I can tell you that when my oldest was younger he did not lie. If you asked him a question you would get the baldfaced truth. In fact, he was honest to a fault. Sometimes even to his own detriment. He would readily own up to misdeeds, unlike a neurotypical, who knowing that they did wrong would at least try to save themselves. My younger, on the other hand, would try to figure out a way to get away with things. If lying was his way to do it then by all means he would try to manipulate the situation to his benefit.
So what do you do?
-Figure out if they understand the rule
-If they understand it then do they know how to apply it, what does it actually mean to them
-If they just made a mistake and misunderstood its not lieing, its just a teachable moment
-If they really understood what they were doing and its outcome and tried to cover up the error with a false story, then you may actually have a lie on your hands
So what do you do after you discover a lie?
-Well age us a factor and what they were lieing about. If they are young and took candy knowing that they shouldn't, take away dessert for a night and then if it happens again make it a week.
-If they lied about who they were playing with because they knew you would not like it, then ground them again for a small amount and ratchet it up if it happens again
-If it is something that you feels puts them in danger and they know they weren't supposed to do something, and they did it anyway then age and misdeed are important to the punishment.
My younger son knew he was not to chat on the internet or on his X-Box. I had set up his computer so he had no email access on his own and he couldn't use his X-Box microphone. I explained to him about predators on the internet and how they can elicit information without you even knowing. I tried to be gentle because chatting is a greater concern with an aspie. They are very trusting and take people at their word. Well, one day I hear him talking to his computer,now he did have a microphone on his computer, but I didn't really think anything of it. He used the microphone to practice his Spanish. I asked who he was talking to and he told me "noone". Then sitting outside the room I heard the computer yelling at him to stop singing. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Well, he lost the online game he was playing (except he can play single player with no access to multi-player level now) , I took away the microphone, he lost the computer for a week and to this day he has to fold the towels anytime I do towel laundry. It's been a year, so far he has never lied again, that I know of.
-If it is something that is personal to you (like stealing) then the consequences are also large
My older child, who did not lie, well he is very involved in doing good, and his charity causes are very important to him. He used to get allowance and he would save it and give the money away periodically. One day he received an email from an organization that caused him great alarm. So he asked me if he could give all his money to them. I told him no, that he should keep some of his money for himself and give to many different organizations. I thought the issue was settled. I checked my online banking and found e-donations to the charity (he had taken my debit card). One donation for his entire amount of money and quite a lot more from me. We know he knew he was doing something wrong, because he admitted that he had erased the confirmation emails from my in-box. Needless to say,he got a lesson in finances, and what is stealing and how organization even charities can make things seem really bad to try to get you to give more than you can afford. Then he lost his money. No more allowance. He cleans the toilets and vacuums whenever the house needs a going over. If he wants money he earns it, by doing some heavy lifting chores in the house, no more just handing him money, and this summer he will have his first job.
Oh yeah, after the boys took their punishments, we did a little jig secretly. Age typical actions, do not go unpunished but it is nice when age appropriate issues are your only issue of the day.
Until next time,